There is a lot of talk about boundaries on social media these days. I think this is a wonderful thing in terms of understanding how to set healthy rules of engagement with those around you. However, with everything social media does, it oversaturates the market and muddies the waters around what things are and are not. So, I thought this week we would do a deep dive into what a boundary is, and what it isn’t.
First, let’s break out the handy dandy dictionary and see what our good friend Merriam-Webster says about the word itself.
Boundary
Something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent
Those two trees mark the boundary of our property.
The mountain range that forms the country's northern boundary
When looking at the word directly, or in regards to daily speech, it really is talking about a border or limit. The extent of something or a line that marks out specific areas. This is important to keep in mind when we look at the way the psychology community uses the term. According to the American Psychological Association the definition of a boundary is as follows:
Boundary
1. a psychological demarcation that protects the integrity of an individual or group or that helps the person or group set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity.
2. in psychotherapy, an important limit that is usually set by the therapist as part of the ground rules in treatment. Boundaries may involve areas of discussion (e.g., the therapist’s personal life is off limits) or physical limits (e.g., rules about touching), which are guided by ethical codes and standards. Respect for boundaries by both the therapist and client is an important concept in the therapeutic relationship.
So, as you can see there is a bit of nuance between the two definitions. Even still, when we think of the term boundary the same idea plays across our minds – this is a line that is not meant to be crossed. In witchcraft we have a similar idea when we set up barriers, grids, wards, or protections around our homes, our families, our intentions and ourselves. When we think of setting a barrier against energies that are not in our best interest, we are setting a boundary.
Working with Boundaries
Boundaries are important in every aspect of our lives. We need them to have healthy relationships with our loved ones, co-workers, and even strangers. The first thing I always recommend when someone wants to start setting healthy boundaries is to look at yourself and ask some questions.
What boundaries have you set for you personally?
What have you decided is acceptable behavior you will exhibit towards others?
What is acceptable behavior you will exhibit towards yourself? (Remember – Don’t Hex Yourself).
What are you NOT willing to do in your craft, your life, or your relationships?
What ARE you willing to do in your craft, your life, or your relationships?
How will you respond if you violate your own boundary?
These questions are important. I say this because if you cannot set and maintain boundaries with yourself (the ONLY person you CAN control) then how are you going to successfully set and maintain boundaries with others (people you CANNOT control)?
Knowing how you respond when your boundary is crossed is important. There are small less-important boundaries and big super important boundaries. Choosing a healthy response in either case is incredibly important. For example:
Small boundary -
I set a boundary that I will not eat an entire bag of potato chips in one sitting.
I failed and ate the whole thing while watching a movie.
I responded NOT by beating myself up, but by coming up with a plan to do better next time. Perhaps I’ll pre-portion the bag of chips into servings when I buy it. Maybe I’ll simply stop buying potato chips all together.
That is a very small boundary I set as part of a larger goal to start treating my body better by
feeding it healthy food.
Large Boundary -
I set a boundary that I would not allow a family member to enter my home after their behavior towards my children last time.
I had the conversation politely and kindly with them that they were not allowed into my home. I even set an intention and did a black salt ritual to discourage them from wanting to come over.
They showed up at my door anyway, and the people-pleasing polite-society raising I received makes it difficult for me to send them away. They are violating a clear boundary I set – how do I respond? How do I NOT want to respond?
If I don’t have that conversation with myself at the onset of me setting the boundary, I may feel blindsided, upset, or off-balance and default to my old patterns of behavior.
Boundary setting is not nearly as hard as boundary maintaining in my experience.
Say I did not have that talk with myself. I may end up letting them in, they continue to exhibit bad behavior, it further upsets my household and I feel icky afterwards. Not only did they enter into my safe place when I did not want them there, but now they think my words mean nothing.
But let’s say I did have that talk with myself.
I sat down and journaled out exactly what I would do if they showed up at my door. All the angry things I want to say to them about how they hurt me and mine. I get out all the rage and hurt feelings and pain they have caused me. Then, I take that raw pain and I formulate a polite, but firm response. I practice it in the mirror, I write it down on a flashcard and tape it to the back of the door. I carry it in my purse like a petition. Bonus points if I distill it down to a phrase that can be used for anyone at any time that I need to maintain a boundary with.
Now, I’ve not only set the intention to keep my home safe from their behavior, but I also did the work needed to bolster my intention into action if needed.
They show up, I’m ready. I politely but firmly advise them that they are not invited into my home or onto my property. I kindly ask them to leave and advise them that if they do not do so under their own volition that I will contact the authorities to have them trespassed. I wish them well on their life endeavors and close and lock my door. If they leave, awesome. If they don’t I call the authorities and follow through on my promise to do what I must in order to protect my kids.
Gosh, am I tired after. My body feels drained, the adrenaline rush is making me shake – but I did what I had to do. Now I can focus on recovering and determining what else needs to be done to keep that boundary in place. If they don’t back off – how far am I willing to go? Protection order? Moving? I need to know my own PERSONAL boundaries, so I know how far I am willing to go in order to keep the EXTERNAL boundary in place.
Sometimes a boundary looks like leaving
You visit someone that you don't want to be around while they are consuming alcohol. Otherwise you greatly enjoy their company and care deeply for them as a person. The conversation about your concerns has already happened, but you know they are not planning to stop drinking anytime soon. Still, you will spend time when them as long as their choice of beverage remains non-alcoholic.
You go over for an afternoon visit and talk for a while, they get up and fix themselves an alcoholic beverage. There is no need to start an argument, you can simply say "It's been great talking to you but it is time for me to go" and walk out the door. You are not asking them to be anyone or do anything outside of themselves - but you are also refusing to allow yourself to be around them when they are in a state that makes you uncomfortable. This is a boundary you set, and maintained, with yourself. Their behavior is the "trigger" for your action, but ultimately you are the catalyst for keeping that line strong.
Energetic Boundaries
To be honest, I much prefer working with boundaries of the energetic variety. I find it less stressful to kick a ghost out than a family member or friend. I am far more confident in the outcome when I banish nasty energy from my home than when I am banishing a person with nasty behavior. I know that my power is enough to kick that ghostie boi out and keep them out. I don’t have to worry about the chaotic nature of people because in the energy world I myself am an agent of chaos. No one is scarier than me in my own home (magically speaking).
I find it easy to brew up some boundary tea and sprinkle it across my property line. I sometimes even do this with moon water to “refresh” the line that already exists. I talk to my trees and ask them to protect the land around them and help keep that barrier up. I use visualization to imagine an energy field around my home keeping our energies safe. It’s specific, it is clear, and it solely depends on me and my tools.
I thrive there – because I am in control there. So, I recommend that everyone starts where you are the most powerful. Within yourself you have all the tools you need to set boundaries for your energetic home and for your personhood. It is worth the time and energy it takes to set yourself up for success.
Recipes
This is a heavy topic, as it is very emotionally charged. It is not just witchcraft, but psychology. Relationships are difficult enough without having to constantly set rules of engagement. I want to share some of my favorite ways to energetically set a boundary for my home and recover after a difficult discussion with someone about boundaries.
Brene’ Brown states that one of the bravest sentences we can say as a person is “you hurt my feelings”. I agree completely and when my feelings are hurt, I like to brew up a cup of the following to help me regulate those feelings (also good for PMS):
Herbs –
- Chamomile
- Oat straw
- Lavender
- Slippery Elm bark
- Dandelion Leaf
Make sure the herbs you get are food grade or otherwise sourced from somewhere you trust. I blend the dry herbs in equal parts and use 2-3 tablespoons of the blend. Brew in hot water for 6-8 minutes and sweeten too taste.
Drink intentionally, imagine the herbs lending their energy to you. This blend not only has properties for the body, but also helps to energetically even out your emotional state. Please be sure to check if you are allergic to ANY ingredients before consuming. I am not a doctor and do not offer medical advice.
Don’t have a bunch of herbs laying around? Not sure where you can source them? I have some options that you can find in most grocery stores that also have a calming effect.
The ingredients in this tea are pretty amazing as well. You can make your own blend with any or all of the following found in this pre-made tea:
Eleuthero root
Peppermint
Cinnamon
Ginger
Chamomile
Lemon Grass
Licorice
Catnip
Tilia Flowers
You can also deconstruct these ingredients and find teas with just the parts you enjoy in them. I will use peppermint, catnip, chamomile and even ginger teas as standalone brews in a pinch.
Not into Tisanes or Teas?
No problem – you can brew up the same herbs and use it as a floor wash or specifically to sprinkle along the boundaries of your property for peace, protection, and prosperity of your land. You can then compost or bury the herbs themselves. I will even use the herbs after drinking my tea and put a bit at the corners of my property to help fortify my wards.
Other options
See "House bound Energy" for some tips to dispel less than ideal energy from your space. Remember while you are cleansing you are also setting boundaries about what types of energy you are letting in, and what types you are keeping out.
If you feel the ick in your body try dancing it out. Throw on your favorite music and dance the energy out into the floor and draw down from the stars the light you need in your soul. Not only is dancing energetically cathartic but it also gets your blood moving and will help your body process the cortisol, adrenaline and other stress hormones that get released when we do something scary like standing our ground.
Below I am only listing SOME of the metaphysical properties of the herbs provided. There are medicinal uses for these herbs as well. I strongly advise you to do additional research prior to putting ANYTHING in your body. Be aware of contraindications with medicines or medical diagnosis prior to consuming any herb. I am not a medical professional and do not pretend to provide medical advise, so please speak to a doctor if you have concerns (or simply don't use the herb).
Catnip
Healing, love, and courage are this plants forte'
Healthy bonding with others (No trauma bonds here)
Calling helpful energies to you
Chamomile
Protection and healing
Assists in sleep and dreaming as it brings in peace
Good for anxiety or calming anxious energy
Cinnamon
Strengthens personal and psychic power - good for calling on your own strength and magical abilities
Boosts Love, Lust, Passion and anything else that has a fiery energy
Success and Protection
Dandelion
Tenacity - dandelions teach us to say "YAY CONCRETE" and grow regardless of if the circumstances are ideal or not
Represents the sun, moon and stars in it's various life stages - all encompassing powerful energy
Brings in happiness, good luck and balance to our lives
Eleuthero Root (aka Siberian ginseng)
This plant brings the ENERGY and the stamina to maintain it
Drawing in and supporting general health of the individual
Ginger
Healing and passion
Draws in healthy energy, love, and good luck
A good money drawing root as well
Lavender
Peace and calm with a sense of grounding
Good dreams, both day and night
Protection and perseverance - Lavender is a hearty seaside plant
Lemon Grass
Fresh and cool sunshine type energy This plant has sharp leaves and if not handled with care can cut you. It is the queen of boundaries as she says "Handle me with respect or pay the consequences".
Repels bugs as well as expelling unwanted energies
Purification and clarity - especially when it comes to communication
Licorice root
A good anti anxiety root and prompts healing
This is a powerhouse root and will help to amp up any spell you are crafting
Intuition and love are also in this herbs wheelhouse
Oat straw
Stress relief in the form of restoration and strength regeneration
Mood lifter and a way to address nervous system exhaustion
Peppermint
Strong protector energy that also lends to psychic workings
Communication assistance is provided by the humble peppermint
Healing, prosperity and good luck also tie into this plant.
Slippery Elm Bark
Helps with making sure slander, malicious gossip and lies melt away by putting up a strong boundary against such underhanded things
Banishes negative energy and helps stop harmful stories from being told about you - or at least from hurting you
This herb is mostly used in Hoodoo and is a power house when dealing with bullies
Tilia Flowers
These flowers come from a tree that is thought to bring about victory
Encourages healthy energy exchange along with the health of the individual
the leaves are heart-shaped and help open our hearts to the beauty of the world around us - much needed in times of strife
References
Websites
American Psychological Association . (n.d.). APA Dictionary of Psychology. Retrieved from https://dictionary.apa.org/
Merriam-Webster, Incorperated . (1828). Retrieved from Merriam-Webster,: https://www.merriam-webster.com/
Books
Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the Heart. New York : Random House.
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