Self-deprecating humor is life. Sarcasm, irony, and nihilism seems to be the vocabulary of our times. Irreverent humor both sparks outrage and outrageous laughter. But when does it go from funny to drawing in what we don't want? Those of us that work with energies and speak our intention out into the world...could we be accidentally hexing ourselves?
Definitions of Sarcasm, Irony, Nihilism & Self-deprecating
It's important to have a clear definition of these phrases. It is also important to recognize that they are not harmful in all forms, just in some. There is a way to utilize this humor without putting yourself down. So below are the definitions all pulled from the https://www.merriam-webster.com/
Sarcasm
1: a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain
2a: a mode of satirical wit depending for its effect on bitter, caustic, and often ironic language that is usually directed against an individual 2b: the use or language of sarcasm
Irony
1a: the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning 1b: a usually humorous or sardonic literary style or form characterized by irony
2a(1): incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result
2a(2): an event or result marked by such incongruity
2b: incongruity between a situation developed in a drama and the accompanying words or actions that is understood by the audience but not by the characters in the play called also dramatic irony
3: a pretense of ignorance and of willingness to learn from another assumed in order to make the other's false conceptions conspicuous by adroit questioning called also Socratic irony
Nihilism
1a: a viewpoint that traditional values and beliefs are unfounded and that existence is senseless and useless 1b: a doctrine that denies any objective ground of truth and especially of moral truths 2a: a doctrine or belief that conditions in the social organization are so bad as to make destruction desirable for its own sake independent of any constructive program or possibility
Self deprecating
1: tending or serving to disparage or undervalue oneself
Raise your hand if you TOO have been using almost all of these terms incorrectly...
Let's break this down.
Sarcasm is the USE of irony. This use can express bitterness or unhappiness with something, or be a biting and cutting remark against someone else. Its use can certainly highlight mistreatment of yourself and/or others, and has a time and a place. I find that I typically use sarcasm for inside jokes and jests within my inner fence. I try to avoid being sarcastic with new people, or people I don't know, as I'm unsure how it will land and do not want to accidentally cause harm.
Additionally, my sarcasm is so dead-pan sometimes that people take me seriously. Which is very useful if I'm purposefully attempting to use the 3rd definition of irony (a pretense of ignorance) to get someone to tell on themselves when they are being heinous. Not so useful when I'm trying to be friendly to a cashier at the store.
Nihilism is a fun thing. I usually hear people self describing as nihilistic when they are critiquing the government, billionaires, and the health care system. Honestly - those institutions are so bad it's just a realistic insight into what is happening. I will say that the Pluto placement in my chart (house of Scorpio thank you very much) makes me want to burn it all down and start over. As this would cause a lot of paperwork I have to walk my approach back. So that final definition of nihilism is something that I feel deep in my bones. On a related note - I keep my protestor protection jar nice and fed just in case.
Finally we come to the big bad. The thing that we do and think is sarcasm, irony, or nihilism when in fact it's just hurtful; self-deprecation, or self-deprecating humor. I fall into the bad habit of undervaluing myself often. I don't even realize it's happening until my husband points it out and goes "Is that really true?". According to the collective reality and my therapist, no....no it is not really true. The words just slip out, the intrusive thoughts slip in, and I find myself saying something so often it becomes like a mantra and I end up hexing myself. No bueno.
Some Phrases to Avoid
Melissa Cynova in her book Kitchen Table Magic talks about how belief impacts our practice. She shares a phrase that had an impact on her and how she extricated herself from it's impact.
"This is why I can't have nice things" ~ Melissa Cynova
When I read this passage I had a revelation. I DO THAT TOO! In fact, I've said this exact phrase many times. I will often say it with a laugh, a chuckle, a funny gesture to the thing that just went horribly wrong. I am in discomfort when I say it and am trying to dispel it with humor. We would not want others to see the mask of "I have my 'ish together" crack now would we? I was in the same boat as Melissa. I decided to make a list of the things I say that hex my life, and that I hear my friends say. There are a lot of phrases you may want to watch out for:
"Ugh, I'm such a failure."
"I'm just not cut out for {insert activity here}"
Self care, exercise, putt putt, sunlight, happiness etc.
"Well ____ me then"
Insert expletive - F, Screw, ignore, etc.
"Me and {insert positive thing} don't get along"
"I'm just too lazy to do ___"
Try replacing the words "lazy" with " decided to rest" "I was supposed to clean the house today, but I got lazy." becomes "I was supposed to clean the house today, but decided to rest."
Just for the record - laziness is a construct of the industrial revolution. It's a lie and rest is important.
"I suck at life/this/that"
"...cause I'm poor"
It really does not matter what you put at the start of those three words. Stop it.
Instead of "I can't go to the concert because I'm poor" Try: "This activity is not a priority for me financially at this time"
I can't sit/rest/relax
Sitting, resting, and relaxing are all part of sharpening your battle axe. You are using your axe throughout the day, it's important to keep it in good working order.
BONUS: "I'll rest when I'm dead." or "Sleep is for the WEAK." <- Whimsical but not helpful.
"I'm not worthy of better"
"I have a black thumb"
PLANTS ARE HARD. Yes some folks have a natural affinity to our green brethren. However, anyone can learn to keep plants alive. It may require effort, time, research - and a little automation - but it's possible.
When something dumb happens:
"Yes, that's exactly what I wanted to happen!"
"This is what I deserve."
"I don't have enough time"
This one may sound practical. But it's really not when said as a mantra - try "I need to prioritize my time." or " I have all the time I need."
If you need to say this at WORK when your boss is asking you to do something in addition to your regular work you can try the follow script:
You - "I am more than happy to look into working {task} into my schedule, however I seem to have conflicting priorities. Which of my current priorities would you like me to stop working on to make sure this new task is completed within the allotted window?."
Boss - " I need you to keep all your priorities."
You - " Unfortunately, there is no way for me to keep all of my priorities and meet the deadlines you have provided. Which deadline is being pushed to make this a feasible endeavor?"
Boss - " Well we can't push any deadlines."
You - " I understand the importance of staying on track to meet our stakeholders expectations. Who can I tap in to assist me in working on the conflicting priorities in order to ensure the deadlines will remain in place and I can continue to meet all the goals?"
Boss - " Well, everyone is busy so no one can be tapped in to assist."
You - " Due to the fact that I am required to keep all of my current priorities, no deadline extensions are available, and I am not able to recruit assistance it is unreasonable to expect me to be able to complete this task in the time provided. I must politely decline this additional item on my agenda. Thank you for the opportunity and I hope you are able to find someone who is able to meet your expectations for this item."
Note: If they continue to push you can advise a reasonable time when you COULD work on that item. But you are allowed to hold boundaries at work. HR can get involved if the boss gets pushy enough. Stay professional, but take no shit.
Shout out to Clever Kim's Curio's Patreon Marco Polo group for helping me crowd source some of these phrases AND for the warm and loving environment. I one million percent recommend checking out her podcast "Your Average Witch" where she has amazing interviews with average witches :).
How to Undo the Hex?
OK - now that we know what it is, how to avoid it, and what we can do to replace the words. How do we fix it after we've caught ourselves doing it? I have a lot of ways that are simple and can be done in the moment.
In the moment:
You can say something to the effect of:
"JUST KIDDING universe! That is NOT what I want/meant/need."
You can say the direct opposite (some examples are already on the list above)
For "Rest is for the WEAK." try " Rest is for the STRONG."
For "This is why I can't have nice things." try " I CAN have nice things!"
" GO away intrusive thought, you are not welcome here and your words are not real!!!"
You can also do something like:
Hold your arms or fingers in an X in front of you to "cancel out" your words.
Learned this from a behaviorist - she did this for me while I was spewing self-deprecation and let me finish. When she was done she said "I blocked that from going into the universe for you because it's simply not true."
DO THIS FOR YOUR FRIENDS - It can become a good signal to hold each other accountable to self kindness.
In tandem with verbally cancelling it out you can also shake it out. Move your body, shake your arms, wiggle your limbs. Get the icky energy off of you then move forward.
For the after the fact:
Sometimes we simply don't catch ourselves in the moment. That's OK. You can still un-hex yourself. I like to write down (IN quotations) the things I said or their essence and then drown the paper in the sink before I throw it away. You can also:
Wash your hands and imagine the words and their energy running down the drain.
Do the same in the shower.
For tougher stuff, take a bath if it's available to you. Add in some Epsom salts, maybe a little bubble bath, or a bath bomb. As you add these things into the water, charge them with the intention of erasing those words, thoughts, and feelings from your life.
Journal about what you are grateful for. There is an upwards spiral when it comes to joy and gratitude. Brene' Brown touches on it in her book "Atlas of the Heart".
By practicing gratitude we are inviting more joy into our lives. By experiencing joy we are inviting more gratitude.
Your intention to remove the negative thought in your life is all that is needed really. You can get as complicated as you want - but intrusive thoughts are something we all experience and they don't ever truly go away. You can reduce their volume, you can even get old ones to disappear for a while, but new ones will pop up at odd times. Having strategies in the moment to be kind to ourselves is of paramount importance.
References
Websites:
Merriam-Webster's Online dictionary - https://www.merriam-webster.com/
Your Average Witch Podcast/ Clever Kim's Curio;s Patreon group: https://www.patreon.com/cleverkimscurios
Clever Kim's Curio's Etsy shop: https://www.etsy.com/shop/CleverKimsCurios?ref=l2-about-shopname
Your Average Witch Podcast on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3A0rOHU80qgeihNP5lzGgJ?si=5b7f94f6f3f142e1
Books:
Cynova, M. (2020). Kitchen Table Magic. Woodbury, MN: Llewellyn Publications.
Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the Heart. New York : Random House.
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