I've written before about my journey with anxiety. In my "Happy Places" post I talk a bit about my families mental health journey and how it blends into my current state of being. I used to wonder why some people around me could just "do" things and I was struggling just to show up. This was a chronic issue that I started noticing in 7th grade (around 12 years old). What is interesting to me is 12 is when most people still have the energy of a child, as puberty has not yet struck with it's hormonal nonsense. Yet, there I was trying to figure out why I did not have the energy or enthusiasm to get through the day as my peers.
I'm sure there are many factors to this, but as I got older the problem persisted and it was not until I was a full-fledged adult that I found Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino. She wrote about her experience with Lupus and how she had to be very aware of what she uses her energy, or spoons, on during the day to ensure she could get everything that needed to be done accomplished. What I find hilarious is that she published this in 2003; the year I graduated 7th grade. Of course, I did not find this theory until over a decade later. When I did, things started to click in my brain.
While I do not have Lupus as Christine does, Spoon Theory is something that has been well adopted in both the chronic illness community and the mental health community. A 2019 article on "Applying Spoon Theory to Living with Mental Illness" helps to clearly illustrate the parallels.
What Does This Have To Do With Witchcraft?
I feel like I ask this a lot in my blog. The more I dive into the craft the more I realize that magic is just spicy psychology. Or perhaps psychology is just a type of magic we can explain, like science (looking at you quantum physics). It stands to reason that if every mundane activity we do throughout the day costs us soul energy, that every magical activity we do through the day will also cost energy in a similar way. I have begun to realize that the more I lean into learning how to use the universal energy around us all, the better I am able to manage my spoons.
Nearly a decade ago I was lucky enough to participate in Reiki I and Reiki II courses at a local spiritual shop. I say lucky because my now husband, a veritable stranger at the time, paid for me to take the courses so he would have a friend to go with. During this training I learned how to open up myself to receiving energy from the universe and use THAT energy to help energetically connect and heal myself and others. One of the big lessons the instructor drilled into the class was to never, ever, use your personal energy during Reiki. Always become a channel for the universe to flow through you. Otherwise, they cautioned, you can take on the ick the other person is feeling or simply burn yourself out.
This is a lesson I have carried with me ever since. Whenever I do spells, meditations, Reiki, house warding, coffee stirring, etc. I always imagine myself opening up to the universe, plugging in, and pulling down the energy into my craft. This helps me to feel energized enough to complete my task, and allows me to remain net-neutral (at worse) after I am done. On really good days, I get an energy boost from this activity that helps push me forward for the rest of my adulting that needs to be done. Basically, connecting to the universe allows me to either NOT have to use a spoon at all and/or replenishes a spoon instead of using one.
Data Is Important
If you are like me, and energy is as costly as a gallon of gasoline, you want to plan your day out to accommodate for that. To properly plan anything you need to have information. Unfortunately, we are not born with a user manual and the only person who can write one is yourself. I am not yet an expert on myself, let alone a master, but I am getting there and it is all thanks to my collecting of data.
I love collecting data on what makes me tick. It is like little shiny rocks and objects for my crow brain. I have a veritable dragon hoard of informational tidbits on what makes Amber, amble. Yet, many days I am surprised at the weird cracking and clunking I hear...anyway I digress.
I have started to keep a journal on what each task in a day costs me in terms of energy usage. I also mark down the timing and circumstances as that can have an impact as well. For example in a notebook separate from my goals, I will note something like the following:
Date
Activity: Loading the dishwasher
Energy Usage: High
Helpful Factors:
- If I use Dexter's Mom's gloves to load the dishwasher I don't get the "ick" factor of touching yucky dishes. Thus the task is less unpleasant and I'm more likely to do it. Moves Energy use to Medium.
- Body Doubling (Talking on the phone, talking to a person, listening to a podcast, listening to music) makes this task a Low - Neutral energy output.
Unhelpful Factors:
- If the sink is full / more than a day's worth of dishes has piled up.
- If there are clean dishes that need to be put away still, I may not have the energy to both put the dishes away and reload the dishwasher.
- If I'm the only person (in a house of 3 adults) who has done dishes for more than 10 days in a row I start to feel resentful.
Timing:
- Early morning is best - Any later than noon and it is unlikely to get done by me.This is an end result entry. The date up top is important as I may notice one factor in February, but by May I have learned more. My journal at the end of the year will potentially have 25+ entries around the dishes. Each entry will build on one another. I may find that I no longer feel resentful after 10 days. It is possible that this was a minor hiccup because proper expectations were not communicated to the rest of the adults.
You also notice how granular the task is. I did not put "doing the dishes" I only put " loading the dishwasher". I have to break down kitchen tasks more like this:
Load the dishwasher
Run the dishwasher
Scrub the sink
Unload the dishwasher
Unclutter the counters
Wipe down the counters
Deep clean the counters
Wipe down the stove top
Deep clean the stove top
Wash the cast iron skillet (after scrubbing the sink)
Re-oil the cast iron skillet (after washing it)
Sweep the kitchen floor
Take out the kitchen trash
Take out the kitchen recycling
My beloved husband can, with his mostly neurotypical brain, simply be told "hey can you clean the kitchen today?" and he will do ALL of those tasks and then some without need for clarification, breaks, or snacks. It's like living with a cryptid. I love him, but I'm confused and slightly concerned that he may be a robot. It takes him like...an hour. I have to break those tasks up over the course of DAYS.
The point is to be true to the moment you write down the data. It may not be true forever, but don't try to borrow trouble (or grace) from the future. Be real and vulnerable in the moment with yourself about the task. Sometimes I just write down " I HATE CLEANING THE LITTER BOX!!!!" and that is what I have the energy to record that day. We can all infer that this is an "extreme" energy use activity because I absolutely hate cleaning the litter box. I know I'm going to power through it because I love my cats and their health and well-being is important to me, but it is a big chore.
Spoons or Energy Meter?
I love spoon theory because it puts into words what once lacked the language to clearly express the energy use struggle. However, if I want to use this language in my everyday life I have to explain what the heck spoons have to do with going to the grocery store. Usually, explaining spoon theory...costs me spoons. When you have to task out your days on a spectrum of success - you don't always have the energy to help someone understand where you are coming from or struggling with.
So, I have started to adapt my language. I will say that something is a high energy cost for me, or a low energy cost. Most people pick up on that right away. My youngest calls it his stamina bar - because video games. His peers, teachers, and grandparents all pick up on that language as well because of sports and video games. For a while my household called it "mana points" based on the concept in role-playing games. Whatever the language you use, it is important to have an idea on what will and won't cost you energy and how much.
Final Thoughts
Guard where your mental energy goes. Being the only person in the house who remembers when trash day is can take a toll. I have learned that writing things down and posting them publicly takes them out of my head, and sets my household up for success. If I post a chore chart of the top 17 things that need to get done every week (and the 5 things that need to be done every day) and an adult asks me "How can I help with chores today?" I silently point to the wall with the list. They can pick one, or two, or twelve but I'm not doing that emotional labor for them.
After an expression of frustration from my husband about how he was the ONLY person taking out the trash, and that the trash was only ever taken out when it was so heavy that he COULD BE the only person who did it - I hatched a plan. I had him write down all the things he does in a week for the household. It was 23 tasks total with 13 of them that did not need to be his sole responsibility. I took his list, added things from my list, and BOOM that chore chart was born.
We don't assign these items out, we have a magnet board . We simply have daily, weekly, and monthly tasks listed on the board. Once the task is completed for the week - it gets a magnet next to it so we can see that it is done. I reset it every Monday morning and the constant "keeping of the list" that runs around my head all day stopped. I no longer have to use emotional energy to try and remember / think of what can be done on any given day. I did that labor up front and have reduced the energy cost of every one of those tasks going forward. This is probably the 25th chore chart adaptation I have used in my life - and it is the simplest one I've ever made. It is also the ONLY one that has worked consistently.
Now I actually have spoons left over to sit down and do a small ritual. I can hold more space for the moon cycles, and planning for Mercury being in Gatorade. Other people in my house are empowered to contribute to the household without having to speak with the gatekeeper first. I can plan for the super one-off chores that no one thinks about (like vacuuming under the couch) and set those up as specific goals instead of the constant " I don't have time, because {insert more critical chore here} was forgotten by the other adults AGAIN". Everything in this universe is a balancing act. The better we balance the day to day mundane, the more time we have to balance the day to day magical.
Resources
The Spoon Theory By: Christine Miserandino
Applying Spoon Theory to Living with Mental Illness By: Mental Health @ Home
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